I’ve been married for two and a half years, which means I should have at least two little brats by now. But I don’t, and I won’t for a while, because I’m not ready.

There are a lot of people out there that seem to think it’s perfectly acceptable to ask me when I’ll have a baby. There are also people whom I’ve never met in my life that ask my mom when I’m going to make her a grandmother. Like I owe it to these strangers to give my mom a grandchild. I don’t, and neither does my uterus, which is happy as can be in its vacant state.

I’m not completely against kids. One day, I might have one. But for now, and for a few more years, there will not be a fetus hanging out inside me, living off my body like the tiny alien jerk it is.

And that’s not happening anytime soon because I am selfish, and I am perfectly fine admitting that.

I don’t want a child right now because I want to go to the bar. Nine days without beer is bad enough, but nine MONTHS? That’s too much to handle right now.

I don’t want a child because I kind of like my body as is. I know what happens pre and after birth, and it’s scary. And that pain thing I keep hearing about during birth? Nuh-uh, don’t want it.

I also don’t want a child because in terms of my career, I’m on a roll. My resume is shiny, impressive and borderline overweight in terms of all the show-off-y crap I can put on it. I don’t want to put an immediate halt to that. Plus, I really like my job.

Add all these up, and I would be an unfit mother. I know this and the world – and this hypothetical child – is better because of it. SO STOP ASKING ME WHEN A CHILD IS GOING TO FLY OUT OF MY VAGINA.

–By Lindsay Patton-Carson

4 thoughts on “#Occupymyuterus

  1. Oh I hear you loud and clear! While I now have a child, I lived with my husband for five years before getting married, and after that we still waited four years to get pregnant. I was constantly asked when I was going to pop out spawn, and when it went past two years people really got into my private life asking me if I had fertility or marital issues.

    Just because someone has a vagina doesn’t mean it has to be used to make babies, and there is no specific timetable of when it should happen if one chooses to do procreate.

  2. Really, it’s unselfish not to have kids when you’re not ready to have them. And for the overpopulated world. Also, nine months without booze or caffeine? Not ready for that just yet. I have a weekly margarita quotient to fill! And ambitions that a crying baby would hinder. Someday those ambitions will be fulfilled and I’ll have the money and stability to adequately care for a child.

  3. Bravo, Linds. My argument is, hey, there are 7 billion people on this tiny little rock. Maybe it’s more socially responsible that some of us keep our legs closed to objects larger than a human fist (sorry, had to do it).

  4. HEAR HEAR! I was engaged, now I’ve been single (blissfully, I might add) for almost 2 years, so I’m getting the, “Are you seeing anyone? Is there anyone you like? Do you ever want to get married?” questions instead of the baby questions. But I feel ya, sister!

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