I hate my soda pop.

I have chronic headaches and migraines. If it’s a day, my head hurts. This has been my life since high school. I have an arsenal of headache medicine that I am so reliant on I get anxious when I run out of Excedrin.

This is my life. And, it hurts. A lot.

I recently started adhering to a new anti-migraine diet. So: no caffeine, no chocolate, no avocado, no onions, no nuts, no preserved meats, no aged cheese, no fresh bread, no citrus fruits, no MSG, no bananas, no aspartame, and I’m trying to cut back on refined sugars… I could continue but it would just depress me.

I’ll never have a diet Dr. Pepper again; unless they start making caffeine-free diet Dr. Pepper with Splenda. Well, a girl can dream.

I went in search of a soda pop that would be sugar free, calorie free and caffeine-free. And here in Portland, Maine, I found a brand of soda pop that met all these criteria.

But, I hesitated in the grocery aisle. The name of this miracle soda pop? Waist Watchers.

First thought: I live with four boys. I can’t take a soda pop called Waist Watchers into a house full of beer, hot dogs and baseball. Guzzling diet Dr. Pepper is one thing, but Waist Watchers is quite another.

Second thought: The boys really don’t care, so long as I leave lots of room in the booze fridge.

Third thought: Waist Watchers? Seriously? Sunavabitch. This is the only soda pop in the store that meets my requirements.

Fourth thought: Let me look again…… There’s hope!

Fifth thought: Waist Watchers? Seriously? Sunavabitch. This is the only soda pop in the store that meets my requirements.

Sixth thought: This is bullshit. But, I’ll take it. EPIC GROCERY STORE FAIL.

Yes, reader, I bought the damn soda pop. My desire for fizzy calorie-free deliciousness trumped my principled embarrassment over a product that deliberately objectified my waistline.

Did you see the episode of Mad Men where Peggy Olson works on an advertisement for Patio, one of the first diet drinks? She tells the boys in the office that they should be directing the advertising towards her, and her demographic. And Ken Cosgrove replies: “You’re not fat anymore.”

Maybe it’s all in my head, but if drinking normal diet soda has transcended the stigma of being only for weight and appearance obsessed females, this Waist Watchers bullshit has not. It’s like a glaring advertisement in refreshment form that I hate my body.  Except, I don’t hate my body (at least, I don’t hate it in theory). I hate my chronic headaches and migraines.

It’s delicious sugar free, calorie-free and caffeine-free fizzy goodness. I will give it that—I bought the vanilla cream flavor last week. I’m looking for a cute koozie to put my embarrassing soda pop in while I drink it.

–By Erin O’Neill

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